Dear Anne,

It’s over… I’d like to be able to see other women.

As an older woman you’ve taught me a lot. Remember the day we met on the beach in 1986? All my mates were watching. I know, awkward right? Since then we’ve spent hours locked at the lips or me pounding on your sternum.

And I never thought I’d say this… but, it’s not me, it’s you.

For starters, you don’t have an epiglottis and this has taught me bad habits. Sometimes, when the pressure’s on, I forget to do chin lift. I just tilt your head back, put my mouth on yours, and I can still get your chest to rise. But, and I might as well bring this up now, it’s not like that with real women.

Head tilt on it’s own isn’t good enough. Dr Justin Sempsrott reminds me that “if you push your head back further and further, breathing doesn’t become easier”. Chin lift gets the epiglottis off the trachea and if you don’t do that you get a noisy and obstructed airway.

Another thing is your skin. Don’t get me wrong, your beauty regime must be out of this world. I mean, you hardly look a day older than when we met, But it’s a bit like… plastic. Other women, sorry to bring it up again, are soft and squishy, and supple. You’re bony, stiff, predictable features have made lazy getting a seal.

Sorry to bring it up a second time, but I’ve been doing BVM with other women and I’ve found that have to work harder to manipulate the mask to seal. I know that you’re gunna say; other women will have pimples, and oily skin, and bigger noses and a prawn curry for dinner last night. I know, and that’s stuff I have to learn to deal with. I don’t want to be doing it for real and find out it’s nothing like what you’ve lead me to believe, and I can’t get her chest to rise!

Lastly, you need to work on your communication. If I don’t get a proper seal or I don’t get chest rise, you need to say something. Other girls do. It might be hard for me to hear that I’m not the best you’ve ever met, but I need to hear it. How else am I going to learn.

Might as well put it all out there… I met your up-market sister at a Resus conference in Adelaide a couple of years ago. Me and a mate did 2 person with BVM on her. She’s one hell of communicator; told us when we were fast enough, deep enough and inflating her enough. She just will not shut up unless your getting it right. But I can’t afford her. She’s like 20 times what you cost.

Thanks for everything but I’ve just reached the stage where I wanna go the next step. When I’m doing it, I want it to be high quality. I know they say ‘any attempt is better than no attempt’ but I’m a qualified first responder; I’ve got a reputation. I wanna be the guy all the survivors get off the ground raving about.

I hope you understand. If you let me see other women, I promise not to do compressions on them. It can be our special thing.

P.S. You should try getting a seal on a beard. Probably a conversation for another day.